My Alien abduction Story

About three years ago I was participating in a Civil War Reenactment in New Mexico. At about 1:oo in the morning I got up to go to see a man about a horse. It was pitch black so I just found a tree instead of trying to find a port-a-john. So I am standing there doing my thing. The next thing I remember is suddenly waking up. It was quite a bit latter, just before dawn. I think it was about four or five in the morning. People where starting to get up and make coffee. Also there wasn't a tree with 25 feet of me. It took me some time to find my bed roll again. I felt really disorientated and a little weak and sick. I have this really vague sense of being in a room covered with walls covered in something like tin foil only much darker. I also remember a number of dark shapes moving around, and clicking sounds.

I am pretty sure I was abducted by Aliens. I don't really mind that much because they left me a coupon for a free small frosty at Wendy's as well as one of those punch cards for Jamba Juice that only needed one more punch on it. On the back they had written, "See you later Alligator ... Love The Aliens."

Those Soviets

If you have walked into any gun store in America lately you will notice the usually have a few of these lying around.

Yes the Soviet Mosin Nagant. I just purchased on of these WWII/Cold War Relics. It is the first none black powder rifle I have ever purchased. I didn't know it came with all of the shit you see above. Apparently it even has a tool used to measure the firing pin so it doesn't explode in your face. I thought this a very nice of the Russians. The neglected to include instructions on how to use this tool, but that is what the Internet is for.

New Mormon Add Compaign

Despite the fact that I no longer believe much of what Mormonism teaches, it is a much bigger part of my life than I would like. I live in a Mormon-centric culture. I attend Sacrament meeting almost every week to help my wife with the kids, as well as ward parties and other sundry functions.

Mormonism often really frustrates me. For example the recent Ad Campaign. This article explains that frustration. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/holly-welker/mormon-pr-campaign-good-m_b_690383.html Last Sunday's Sacrament was so unbearable boring that I almost took my daughter to 7-11 to get a cup of coffee. I hate praying. When you don't really believe in god it just feels down right silly. My stake has a "policy" that if only one member of a couple comes in for a temple recommend interview they like to meet with the other. This of course lead to me answering a number of awkward questions including if I loved my wife and kids and wanted what is best for them.


I keep trying to convince myself that this line of questioning was meant to illustrate that love and family transcend acceptance of the Book of Mormon, but it felt more like the message was, if I can't accept that God commanded Polyandry (polyandry bothers me much more than your run of the mill polygamy) then obviously I no longer love my family.

Personally, I think the fact I even showed up is educe of my attempt to be supportive.

How Do you Lose a Colony?

Imagine for a minute that you are a Colonist in the tail end of the 16th century. You and a number of your friends make a rather vexing crossing of the Atlantic Ocean to build a colony on a new land. Well a land new to you. It is populated, rather heavily in some places.

It turns out not to be the paradise you imagined so you hop back aboard your leaky wood vessel and return to the mother country for a few supplies, like pens, toilet paper, and maybe a few of those Tostinos Party Pizzas. While there your country has a slight disagreement with Spain. Spain naturally over reacts and builds a huge Armada of Ships, which is promptly sunk.

After three years of this type of nonsense you can finaly return to your colony and find it is gone. The people, the buildings, the nice little garden you planted, they have all been spirited away.

Well that is what happened to John White. Some people believe these colonist moved and were assimilated into Native Tribes, others believe they were destroyed by Native Americans or possibly the Spanish. Others suggest they were lost at Sea. Yet no one has suggested that they were abducted by Aliens, because that is stupid.

Were still in Kansas Toto

This weekend I took a trip to Kansas City. Turns out the place isn't half bad. I know, I am as shocked as you are.

After all night drive that included four hours of sleep at a nasty Missouri Rest stop we arrived at the National World War I Museum.

http://www.theworldwar.org/s/110/new/index.aspx?sid=110&gid=1&pgid=1113

No I have been to a lot of museum in my day, but this one stand above the rest. It was the perfect mix of artifacts and story. It included very personal touch without neglecting the big picture. I damned near cried twice. Honestly though that could have been the lack of sleep and three cups of coffee.

The best part was the French Tank. It has wheels made of wood. If you are ever in Kansas don't miss this museum.

Next we went to see the Steamboat Arabia. She was like a 19th century Walmart. It was full of artifacts, including fabric and clothing. The tragic part was the cloth was under such dim light I could not examine it as closely as I would have liked.

The Family

My wife has a very large extended family. This weekend is their big get together, complete with Temple session, expensive lunch, BBQ and of course the family photo. The word that best describes these photos is epic. I don't think anyone knows the exactly number of people in these photos, some say thousand other tens of thousands, one recent estimate placed the number at half a million. All with Grandma and Grandpa in the middle. Finding yourself or someone you actually know by name in this photo is a lot like finding the early 90's sensation Waldo.

The one and only time I have actual been a part of this I attempted to add an artistic quality to the photo by looking away from the camera instead of at the camera. It was meant to represent the marriage of individualism and conformity. Mans need to be different yet part of the group. As will all great artists I was widely criticized and in the end they photo shopped my head from another photo so I was looking at the camera. I guess they just weren't ready for my bold new approach.

Unfortunately, this year I am so behind at work that I will be unable to make any of it, and since I keep my work life and private life separate no one will be able to prove otherwise.

Mormon Battlion Ettiquete

Last week I and a small group of my most dedicated Confederate friends joined the ranks of a Mormon Battalion unit. There were people as far away as Southern California and Michigan. Despite our most best efforts, (when it got hot our efforts may have been on the mediocre side of best) I fear we failed to make many friends. Still they were all very nice, so I made a list of things that may make Mormon Battalion reenactors uncomfortable.

1. Don't ever shout "I've got the gun the killed old Joe Smith and it's loaded for Bringham Young" even if it is part of a riveting tale about how you were recently hired to play the part of one of the fellows who arrested and/or shot Joseph Smith. Out of context it sounds a little shocking.

2. If one of your ranks uses a product forbidden by the most recent interpretation of the Word of Wisdom seconds before the parade begins and another Battalion Member says "The Battalion didn't used tobacco" don't go into a lecture of the history of the Word of Wisdom. If you can't help yourself consider leaving out the portion about Bringham Young's use of chew.

3. If one of the the California's happens to criticize your state's politics or culture, just ignore it. Don't point out they elected a Governor who choose to star in Kindergarten Cop, Eraser and Junior as this has been pointed out to them on a number of occasions.

4. If your are asked what calling you have if you say "Less Active Specialist", they will ask what that is and not laugh when you tell them that you stay home from church and watch TV in order to better understand the less active mindset. Its not because they don't have a sense of humor . It is because the joke just isn't that funny.

Happy Bastille Day!

Via La Revolution! Today I will celebrate the overthrow of the oppressive and thoroughly wicked Aristos with a bottle of red wine and the 1982 classic "The Scarlett Pimpernel."

I know what your thinking, why would I celebrate such a noble break from oppression with a movie based on an anti-revolution book full of English actors? The reasons are two fold.

1st even the French have to admit things got a little out of hand. The reign of Terror, the business with Bonaparte, I mean the US had her share of blood shed but the French really took things up a notch with the Napoleonic Wars.

2nd If you haven't seen this movie it is a classic, and is one of the rare cases where the movie if far better than the book.

Modern Denstry

I took Red to the Dentist yesterday to get a cavity taken care off. The waiting room had a play area complete with a sort of tree house, toys, books and movies. The room where they do all the Dentist stuff was pleasantly decorated, and had fish everywhere. They gave Red Happy Gas and she could watch a movie while she was having the work down. The dentist was warm and friendly. Red did really well. I kind of wish I could have my work down there.

Dentistry has come a long way since I was her age, or I had crappy dentists.

My first Dentist was a brilliant dentist and a leader in his field ... back in the 1940's and 50's. By the time the 1980's had rolled around he was a bit out of date. The man didn't trust Novocaine, and I had some pretty deep cavities from the ages of four to six. I think at one point he actually offered me a lead bullet to bit down on. No movies, no toys, no prize box at the end, just the sound of the drill. Of course the one good thing that came from the experience is when it comes to dental work I one tough son of bitch. Today when the dentist asks, "does that hurt", i just mumble "Get on with it I don't have all god damned day."

My pain is Red's gain, afterwards I took her to the movies and Toys R US.

Lazer Tag

A few days ago I played Laser tag with my in laws. I wasn't really expecting a lot because it's laser tag and I am not 15 anymore. Luckily, Red was willing to play the part of wing man.,

Turns out, Laser Tag with a four year old in brilliant. We were given guns that shot a red beam, so natural I kept shouting "Exterminate" in my most refined Dalek voice. The best part was that Red would do the same thing in her best Dalek voice. She also had no problem assaulting well fortified positions with suicidal frontal attacks. They would hit me and I would step out of the way and Red would keep going firring her gun and shouting "Exterminate the Humans." She was one tall bearskin hat away from being a tiny Grenadier. Not only was she hard to hit but the psychological effect was a weapon unto itself.

Our Team was victorious and Red and I got second place over all.

The Intern

OK, so there is a new intern at work that sits behind me. She is very polite and seems to be doing a great job with the endless piles of shit that are being casually tossed her direction, but she sits behind me. At my place of employment we don't have proper cubicles like the rest of enslaved officer workers in America. We have half cubicles that only rise about four feet. Just high enough that if your sitting down no one knows if you have pants on or not. I don't know if they just forgot to order the top halves or if they are lost in our warehouse but I don't like it.

Its like spending the entire day on public transportation, or trying to actually study in a library. Execpt no one sits next to me to tell me about their family history or the number of pet mice they have along with the family history of the mice.

I should have been a Forrest Ranger.

The nearest run thing you ever saw in your life

Today is an epic day in history. On June 18th, 1815 at about 7:30 Napoleon Bonaparte sent in his Imperial Guard against The Duke of Wellington in a last desperate effort to achieve victory.

Well, it didn't work out for the Ogre of Europe, which I personally think was the best thing for everyone involved. Especially this guy.

I bet that hat is really uncomfortable in July and August.

Here is a link some rare photos of Grande Armee.
http://dl.lib.brown.edu/libweb/collections/askb/veterans.php

Chickens

Ever so often I have a crazy idea that won't go away until I try it out. History has taught me that these ideas seldom work out. Lately I have been plagued with the idea of raising backyard chickens. Last night I went to a chicken raising class. It was pretty good. About half way through I looked around at the bizarre collection of weirdos that are attracted to a chicken raising class and suddenly realized I might be one of these people.

The jokes that were made were some of the most awkward I have heard in my life. I would repeat them but don't wish to subject you, dear reader, to that sort of abuse.

Yet despite the fact I may become a "Chicken" person, that raising chickens will increase my work load, and it will never be cheaper than just buying eggs, I can't seem to shake the idea.

Fanny Packs

Sometimes I wish it was socially acceptable to wear a fanny pack. I was wrestling my kids the other day and landed on my keys. It really hurt. I guess you just don't really appreciates something until it is gone.

Then again looking at some of the photos on the following link makes me reconsider my position.
http://www.buzzfeed.com/awesomer/42-awkward-fanny-pack-photos-cci

Tenting Tonight on the Old Camp Ground

For the past five years I have been spending Memorial Day out at Camp Floyd doing the Civil War thing. There year was one of the best. Here is why.

1. I didn't say anything stupid or crazy that got reported in a local Newspaper. I know I mentioned Bringham Young at least once, so thank you reporter for ignoring it.
2. Learned that I have a friend who is a real pagan. We exchanged energy, and yes I am still a little uncomfortable with it.
3. Traded a vest for an excellent reproduction of a John Brown Pike. http://www.kshs.org/cool3/pike.htm
4. Got some fine madder red to make a 3rd Regiment of Foot Coat for the bargain price of $30.00.
5. Found out my sister and her family are returning to my home state. I got the news via phone call while I was in the middle of a musket presentation to some boy scouts. If you are one of those boy scouts I apologize for just suddenly wondering off mid sentence. To be fair your Scout Master kept interrupting with incorrect historical information.

A Day Out with Thomas

Kat and I took Smiley and Red to "A Day Out with Thomas." Thomas the Tank Engine is crack for toddlers. Really, my son can't get enough. The place was swarming with children fighting over toys, screaming and crying. They loaded us into a derelict passenger coach. The couch looked like something out of a post nuclear Holocaust movie from the 70's. Rust, pealing paint, stuff coming out of the sea cushions. Yet is was decorated with streamers and pictures of all the Thomas characters. It was a little too Tim Burton for my tastes. Thomas was there, staring at you with the cold lifeless eyes.

But the kids loved every minute of it. We bought Smiley a new train and Red a flash light. Smiley was a little annoyed none of the other engines showed up, but he has been talking about non-stop.

Regime Change

Last night I watched Night at the Museum II. If I was to use a thesaurus to describe the movie I would use the word execrable. This is not the fault of Ben Stiller, the director, or the writers. You see the chose to add this man as one of the characters.

George Armstong Custer is depicted as a idiot and a coward. The title idiot I, of course, accept without reservation along with emotional, and vain but I will not stand for the accusation of coward. Was he a super ass? Yes, in fact he may be one of the Chief Super Ass Team Captains but he was a no coward.

If you ever find yourself in Montana, consider visiting the site of the Battle of Little Bighorn. You won't regret it.

Edward Barbie, the adventures of Fish

Recently I was convinced to acquire a pet fish for Red and Smiley. Apparently Gold Fish do nothing but create problems and scheme against you, so we got a Beta. Smiley wanted to name him Edward. Red wanted to name him Barbie, so natural they settled on Edward Barbie.

We had to change Ed's water so I began to dump the water in the sink, when Ed made a run for it and jumped to freedom. It wasn't a well though out escape plan because he jumped into the side of the sink with garbage disposal, trapping himself. Of course both kids were watching and burst into tears.

Being an educated man I knew that Ed could not survive out of water and instantly leap into action. First I tried to convince Kat to reach in and get the fish. What can I say I don't like touching Animals, even dogs. When that failed I convinced her to at least get a flash light. We were able to see where Ed was but it is hard to get hold of rather small fish. Eventually I got him by a fin and flung him into his bowl. I really think he learned a valuable lesson about escaping from his plastic prison. After all at least nothing is trying to eat him in there and he gets plenty of food.

Guess who became King today back in the year 1643. If you guessed Edward the Confessor, your wrong. Edward the Confessor would have been my first guess. It was Louis IV King of France. I also recently went to see Hale's production of The Three Musketeers. It wasn't too bad really. Hale has the most fantastic cookies.

The thing I always find a little weird about the 17th century is how all the men try to look like girls, yet generally the girls do not try to look like men. The other thing I don't really understand is dueling. It makes the three famous soldiers seem a little insecure, which I think we can all understand. Yet I imagine if you tried to tell them this, to help them through it, they would try and stab you. Can you imagine how dangerous it would be to be a therapist in 17th century Europe.

Good Morning

Morning are total and complete bullshit. I hate them. The only way to deal with them is to sleep until they go away. Of course our society false to understand this simple principle and insists I be at work sometime before 9:00. People shouldn't be expected to solve problems like breakfast, putting on pants, figuring out how to walk downstairs and get a cup of milk for one of the kids in the morning. People ask me questions, always with the questions, and get offended when I am a bit short. I hated going to bed, because I know lurking around the corner, like some kind of damn ninja, the morning is waiting, with a solid roundhouse kick for your soft belly and a sharp stick to poke you in the eye.

Some people claim it is just me. Well it's not. The following video expresses this point far better than me. The relevant portion is about 3 minutes in, but since it is Friday and from the looks of things it is going to be a long time until 6:00, you might want to just watch the entire performance.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EkCxHoeaHgo&feature=related

Thanks Lewis

I hate to think what the world would be like without Lewis Black.

http://www.thedailyshow.com/watch/wed-may-12-2010/back-in-black---glenn-beck-s-nazi-tourette-s

Reciepie

Here is a recipe I discovered tonight.

Add
2 oz Lemon juice
12 oz Ginger Ale
Shake well then add
4 oz whiskey

Watch
4 Episodes of My Name is Earl
while eating a plate of nachos

In the end you get a truly exceptional evening.

Living History Conference

Last weekend I went up to Logan to the Intermountain Living History Conference. I was to teach a class entitled 19th Century Military Drill. Of course no one showed up. I don't blame them, honestly how can you. Luckily, I had a friend who had volunteered to assist me, so we spent the time dueling with a swords and pikes. It was like being 12 again only better because we used real pikes and swords. Plus I could swear without getting hassled by adults.

Which brings me to the point of today post. If I am ever possessed by an evil force and you must fight me. Remember, I am not very good at defending myself against a pike. With a Sword I occasionally get lucky, but so far I can only block a pike using my chest or face.

One more small bit of advice, if you take a date to Betos at 2:00 a.m. and she starts flirting with three guys dressed like the walked off the set of a bad History Channel documentary and strongly smelling of wet dog. The date is probably not going super well.

Breakfast

Today I had two choices for breakfast Chef Boyardee Ravioli, or Oatmeal. Oatmeal won, due to the obvious health reason. I hate being an adult.

Trust the voices inside your head?

I just found this clip. It is from a movie about Joann of Arc.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IWoyJrAAL-U

We all do this sort of thing now and again. It must be part of human nature. It reminds me of something I recent learned about Orson Wells. Click below, because if you don't you just going to wonder for the rest of the day where I am going with this.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fwJ3dN9RzpM&feature=channel

HMS Bounty

A few years ago I went through a period where I was obsesses with the mutiny aboard HMS Bounty. I think it is something that everyone has to deal with eventually in their lives. Luckily for me it only lasted a few months. Well, it was more like eight, but that is not important. Today is the Anniversary of the day old Fletcher Christian committed the unforgivable Naval sin. Interestingly enough I am 63% sure I have been invited to participate in a minor mutiny myself today. Actually it was more go over someones head, but mutiny sounds more dramatic and I am really bored.

Luckily, I learned a valuable lesson from Fletcher and Bligh. Mutinies are a hassle, and the last thing I need in my life is one more hassle. I have found that during any mutiny, revolution, or civil war it is best to try and keeps one''s distance. When things get realy bad just play stupid.

Treat Thursday

At work we have Treat Thursday. We are assigned a Thursday where we bring a treat. It started a few summers ago as Popsicle Thursday, then, as summer came to a close, it evolved into Treat Thursday.


Slowly it has become infinitely more complex. Currently we are assigned themes, such as dips, cheeses, Mexican, or my personal favorite green. Also Donuts are forbidden. Failure to adhere to the theme is grounds for banishment from Treat Thursday. Not only that but it has become a rather intense competition. Today we had taco cups. A complete taco contained within one of those tortilla chips shaped like a cups.


Not unlike Christmas, we have lost sight of the true meaning of Treat Thursday. It's purpose is not to show that you can produce the best treat, or to prove how cleaver your are with a theme, or even to demonstrate your connections with local pastry shops. The true meaning of Treat Thursday is to help each and everyone of us make it to Friday. That is what it all about, the weekend. After all, in the worlds of the great Loveboy "Every body's working for the Weekend, every body wants a little romance"

Never fear, my friends, I am committed to disobeying all these totalitarian requirements and return Treat Thursday to what it is really all about, Dunford Donuts! They can try their guilt trips, their threats of banishment, but I dare them to resist the pure and tasty power of a fresh Dunford!

For Dunford! For Victory! and for all Donut-kind!


Disclaimer, those Taco Cups were unbelievable, really quite tasty.

Employee Apreciation Day

Today is Employee Appreciation Day at work. How does my gallant place of business show appreciation? They made me wait in line for some cold eggs. Eggs that clearly had something very wrong with them. Plus, all the companies "top brass" flanked this line creating what I call ... The Gauntlet of Awkward Small Talk. At the end they gave us three water bottles and a fancy bag, a very fancy bag. It was the kind of bag you give to your transvestite cousin when you draw his name at Christmas.

Still, I appreciate the sentiment. To be honest I work for a really good company. That is just how my company says "thanks for all you do, and for not acting on that urge to burn down the building." It is kind of like in Elementary School when you tell the girl you really like that her breath smells like dog pooh and she response by throwing sand in your face and kicking you between the legs.

This won't come as a surprise but I am watching V. For those unaware it is about aliens that show up on earth claiming to be all peaceful and wanting to be our bffs. They are really total tool bags. This is a view of inside of one of their tool bag ships.

It looks nice, kind of like what people from the 70's thought outdoor malls would like in the 90's. Anyways my point, this imagine also shows us the great weakness of this ship. It must be really inefficient to heat. Your flying around in space, which is cold right, inside this thing. So while your waiting in line at the Orange Julius, all the hot air is going to rise to the top, leaving you wishing your religion didn't prohibit you from going to Starbucks and getting a nice warm cup of joe. Not only that but these tool bags aliens are really lizards which means cold blood, so this ship can't be particularly comfortable for them.

In the end who suffers? Orange Julius, and TCBY. I hate to see the Innocent suffer again and again at the hands of architects.

LSMFT ... LSMFT

Our vacation has come to an end, but not before I was finally able to take Kat and the kids to the Durham Tobacco Museum.

http://www.ibiblio.org/dukehome/
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5y-ZWyucnVI

Yes, Lucky Strike means fine tobacco. This is the sort of thing you will see at this unique museum.


I would have liked to have seen a little more on the downfall of big tobacco, but the animatronic tobacco farmer was just so bizarre it made up for a lot. One must appreciate these sort of things for what they are.

The following are a few other highlights.


We played American Idol on the Wii. My bio-chemist brother-in-law can almost always get a perfect score. Watching my sister sing Beyonce's "Crazy in Love" was everything I hoped it would be and Kat's rendition of "Pinball Wizard" exceeded expectations.


We went to a lake and I got this crazy idea to take my children on a paddle boat. Who doesn't like paddle boats? My kids that's who. If you think dealing with a two year old's tantrum in the candy section of your local Smiths is hard try it in a boat.

If you order something from the Waffle House other than the plain waffle, odds are it will make you sick. Eating at the Waffle house is like running a marathon. One doesn't just jump in and order the ham omelet. That sort of thing takes weeks of training. You start with the plain waffle, move on, over time, to the hash browns, then eggs. After six months or so your system will be prepared for perhaps a sandwich, or sausage. The Waffle House equivalent of a triathlon consists of biscuits and gravy, followed by the bacon egg and cheese sandwich, finished by the ham omelet and cheese covered grits.

Of course taking up smoking instead is most likely healthier.

Safe in NC

So I left Virginia. My final visit was to a place called Petersburg. Kat really enjoyed the battle field tour. Which makes me suspect that she may have been replaced by an alien or is currently on drugs. There isn't much in Petersburg, other than severe economic depression. There is a "Siege" musuem in downtown Petersburg. It wasn't a bad musuem, but it was one of those msueums that doesn't get visited very often so they were really excited to see us--or they thought we were trying to steal something--because we were followed closley throughout our visit.

Ten years ago I was a LDS missionary in Durham, North Carolina. When people ask "Jake, why are you so shockingly brave?" I reply with one single word ... Durham. Then I usually gaze into the distance to add the approprate level of dramatic effect. Today I returned to Downtown, and to my suprise someone cleaned it all up. The decaying tobacco factories are no longer ruins of a dying age but "fashionable" shopping center and high end condos. The bums are drinking lattes from cups made of recycled material instead of cheap liqour in brown paper bags. I didn't see a single person yelling creative and new curse words. People said "Hello" to me on the street instead of threatening to "cut" me. No one offered to sell me crack. Really, no one. It was really shocking. It like your long-haired cousin gets a hair cut and you don't reconize him.

To be honest the reason my Durham experience was, well let's say rough, has less to do with Durham and more to do with the missionaries I served with. Still Durham taught me that life can be total crap. Crap that has been put into a bag placed on someones porch and lit on fire. Still if Durham can change, then anything is possible.

Hello Monticello

Today I stood in another famous person bedroom, Thomas Jefferson. It was a nice, excluding the part where Smiley vomited all over the car and they only place we could find that sold clothing for toddlers sold only wife beaters with pictures of American Flags or hunting dogs on them. If I had more time I imagine I could have found one with the slogan "America, love or leave it." God, I love Southerns. I was a little concerned that the cashier as well as her doughnut eating supervisor where unsure on the exact location of the famous founding father's residents. They suggested I try "up the road some."

I digress, Monticello was very educational. I learned that no matter how many you ask they will not let you lay on his bed, or the bed that James Madison sleep in. I expected more of Southern hospitality. Also don't ask if the affair with Sally Hemming was legit or just an example of early 19th century sexual harassment. The tour guide will ignore the rest of your questions, included a particulary elloquent one about the Lousiana Purchase.

Red and I went to the smoke house. I was unable to convince her that it was not the place where the wicked Queen held price Phillip in sleeping Beauty. In fact she may have convinced me that it may be the place.

As I stood gazing at his house, I couldn't help but wonder if Jefferson would have liked me. Somehow I think he would have. We both love to make the most use of existing space, and one day I will have a small elavator that will bring me wine.

Virginia

I am just not seeing how Virginia is for lovers. I think they should change there motto to "Virginia, it is kind of like being in Apollos armpit, because it is hot as the surface of the sun yet sticky and wet." So far my stay has consisted of move 5 cubic yards of mulch and some museum visits.

First I visited the State Capital Building, which consisted shouting to my children "The Capital Building is not a toy!" Next was the Museum of the Confederacy. Forgive me for how this sounds, but my reproduction of Civil War clothing are way better than I thought. Next was a tour of the Confederate White House. Our guide may have had a bit of a crush on Jefferson Davies. It was a good tour, almost too good. There was just something in the way he looked at the photo of old Jeffy D. He might have a live size cutout hanging above his bed or something.

Finally I visit the Richmond Holocaust Museum. If your in Richmond and it starts hailing apocalyptic, baseball size hail then you should take shelter there. I think the roof would hold up nicely and it's free.

Old North State

Ten years ago I lived in NC. It wasn't a great period in my life, and for some reason that damn state keeps pulling me back in. The family and I flew out to visit my sister. Since she lives in an apartment, we all decided to go camping. I don't love camping but it was pretty great.

Yes, I did say something positive. I know, I am a little freaked out too.

The best part was hanging out with my sister and her family. The worst part was the large black snake I say in the woods when I went to take a pee. It was shocking. We also went to Fort Fisher, the last open port in the Confederacy. I walked the Union line of assault with Red on my back as she barked order to imaginary solders. Of course most of the orders where about getting sandwiches.

At the beach we all looked in amazement as Kat plugged into the freezing water. My sister and myself wouldn't go within ten feet. Kat just ran into it. We took Smile and my nephew to a train museum. It was nice, in kind of a creepy way. I know as a reenactor this is kind of the pot/kettle situation, but model railroading just seems, well, dumb. The only thing that would make Model Railroads interesting are if someone added Godzilla, but it never seems to happen.

I am currently in Virginia. I'll let you know how that turns out. Apparently it is for lovers.

Sound tracks

Sometimes I hum the Indian Jones theme when I am doing something mundane, like changing a light bulb, or getting the mail. It just makes the experience seem dangerous and exciting. I am 99% sure I was humming it at Walmart while I was trying to pick out some oatmeal to keep at my desk at work.

Advice

I am not really what one would call athletic, at least in the traditional sort of way. I enjoy running very long distances and the occasional game of badminton, but the appeal of most sports has always eluded me. I do golf, but if you have been to a golf course I think you will agree that being athletic isn't required.

When I was younger I played some baseball derivatives such as tee-ball, and something where a machine shoots a hard, large, yellow ball at you. You are then expected to hit the ball with a bat.

One time our coach was trying to teach us (I think mostly me) to catch something he called a pop fly. His advice was to stand directly beneath where the ball was going to land and then catch it in your glove. I was unable to grasp why anyone would consider placing themselves in the path of such a projectile. It's just a game after all.

So, he would hit one of these pop flys and shout my name indicating that I should catch the ball. My natural instincts took over and I would watch the ball land softly on the grass from a safe distance. It just seemed like the responsible thing to do. Eventually I was forced to at least look like I was trying to catch the ball, but there was no way in hell I was going to place myself in a situation where if I failed the ball would hit me in face.

He keep shouting "Don't be afraid of the ball!"

It was like suggesting to a crazy person, "Hey have you tried not being crazy." Or suggesting to communist Cuba, "You guys should just stop being Communist." There just wasn't anything practical I could do with that advice.

Also the evidence at hand suggested otherwise. Have you seen the kind of bruises those machines can leave?

Happy British Parliament Abolishes Slave Trade Day

Slave Trade Act of 1807 was passed on March 25, outlawing the transatlantic slave trade. Of course it took until 1833 to abolish slavery in the Empire but it was a solid first step. I am proud to say the US followed suit the same year. It took us until 1865 and a rather nasty war to do away with the barbaric practice all together, but nobody is perfect.

There are two stories I think everyone should be familiar with. They are bit grim, but this is about slavery.

The first is the massacre aboard the British slaver Zong. Where the a#$hat captain tossed 133 sick slaves overboard in order to collect the insurance. He had overcrowded his ship which lead to malnutrition and disease.

The second is the story of the Haitian Revolution of 1791-1804. After a long a bloody affair Haiti was proclaimed a Free Republic and became the first post colonial independent Black lead in the world.

Talent 2

A few weeks ago Red starred in her Preschool's production of the Caterpillar's Voice. I think it was an an allegore of rise and fall of the Soviet Union, but am not quite sure. She played the part of a rabbit who comes home to discover some horrible creature in her house. This creature fightens away even the most terrible and large animals. In the end it turns out to be a simple caterpllar, making a lot of noise. Of course a frog is the one who figures this out. I get so tired of the sterotypes attributed to frogs. Frogs are not any better or worse than any other animals.

I strongly suspect she will be a "Method " actor like her old man.



This is the only video footage I didn't screw up.

Talent

Saturday was the Primary Talent show. Red did the dance as seen below. Kat and her had practiced all week to prepare. Of course when the moment came she wanted daddy to dance with her. Finally something I learned in Junior high German class paid off.


Pretty great, isn't it. Also that song is really long.

One kid's talent was kicking himself in the head which he did repeatedly. What do you expect out of a town that would elect Chris Buttars.

Friday

It finally here my friends, Friday. I love Friday. It heralds in three days of running, drinking, TV, sleeping in, chasing my kids, the occasionally historical reenactments and hanging out with the wife. I almost love Friday more than the actual weekend because of the anticipation. It is 10:00 and things are going a bit slow. So just in case you are experiencing something simliar, don't fear, your old buddy here at Paradise Vendor has your back.

Here is a list of Web TV shows that might get your though the day.

http://www.watchtheguild.com/

http://effinfunny.com/legend-of-neil
This one is actual a little crude. Just thought I would warn you.

http://www.youtube.com/user/blamesocietyfilms#p/c/639A58EC9D0C1A09/0/7755vuRLJ-Q

I that doesn't work, you could always try text from last night.

Good luck folks!

By the way, if you don't find this funny you might want to try drinking water from Riverton. I think there is something in it.

It's a Long Way to Tennesee

Thursday, I left work a bit early to meet one of my Civil War comrades. He was in need of a few items for an event in Tennessee. An event I wasn't planning on attending. The next thing I knew I was eating a nasty gas station sandwich somewhere in Nebraska at 3:00 in the morning. I don't know why I let my self get talked into these things, but I am glade it happens. The event was....... well, lets call it educational.

Luckily the ride was not all that bad. They two guys I went with are fairly talented conversationalist and easy traveling companions. Plus I got to yell obscenities out the window at Missouri.

Here is the background of the event. Just so you know I went as a US soldier.
http://www.intextlighting.com/Backwater1865/Welcome.html


Here are the event highlights/wtf moments.
1, It was held in Tennessee, yet we were portraying event that took place in North Carolina.
2. Some guy portrayed a soldier who had been arrested for rape and was latter executed. I found this extremely creepy, and treated him accordingly.
3. We had to always maintain 1st person. Meaning we could not talk about events outside of the 1860's. Most people find this challenging so there isn't much conversation. Making my loud and somewhat obnoxious behavior much more apparent.
4. It rained the entire time. At least I got to see what it feels like to march in Tennessee mud. In case you are curious it is about he same as Utah, Virginia, New Mexico or any other mud on the stupid planet.
5. We built fortifications. I chopped a tree in half with an ax. They were not the fortifications I would trust my life too, but we gave it the old college try.
6. One of my companions captured a Rebel. We named him "Son of a Bitch."
7. It was so cold we were forced to share blankets, aka spoon. Luckily we are all secure in our masculinity, at least that is what we are telling ourselves.

All in all I am glad I went.

Hampton Roads

I don't have a lot of time, but today is the anniversary of the Battle of Hampton Roads where two of the first Iron Clad Vessels slugged it out before they eventual got board and went home. What were the names of the epic vessels? Well if you don't know than may I suggest that public education has failed you and perhaps you should right your Congressmen about expanding the budget for public education.

I've been to the site. It's nice, but that is not what I wanted to talk about.

Saturday was the anniversary of the final assault on the Alamo. Do you know how many movies have been made at this epic event. Neither do I, but I do know that big names such as John Wayne, Alec Baldwin and Billy Bob Thorton have played the roles of Davy Crockett, William Travis and Jack Ryan. Just thought I should mention it. My wife is after all a native born Texan.

Lesson Learned

A couple of weekend ago I learned that if you let your two year and four year old run around with wooden spoons, they will eventually hit you in the junk.

I also learned how to make a canteen out of a gourd. Beyond (pause for dramatic effect) my creation.
Gourds were an essential part of life to primitive and not so primitive cultures. Much like M&M's they have a hard, sturdy shell. Unlike M&M the inside does not taste great. They do not leak, and are very light. I created this one for my Mormon Battalion Historical Impression. The wood or tin canteen the Battalion were issued proved less effective in the deserts of New Mexico and Arizona so they used these strange looking plants. I tried to reproduce a strap that would have assuming the owner would reuse it.

Please don't ask why I would want to recreate the Mormon Battalion because I don't have an answer. Seriously, I have no idea why I am doing this.

My First Lesson in Socialism

I am an Eagle Scout, and my mom didn't get it for me. Yet I hated scouting. For the most part it was a waste of time and money.

Once I attended some sort of regional camp (500+ Scouts) on a frozen reserve. At about 10:00 p.m large cracks suddenly began to appear in the ice directly beneath us. One kid panicked and sprinted toward the shore disappearing into the night. It took two hours find him and fair amount of questioning his courage and manhood to convince him to return to the camp site. I thought the treatment he received most unfair. Of course my latest hit single "We are all going to Die, in Icy Tombs" didn't help.

The Scout Master once accused me of being on drugs. He called my parents and told the bishop. I used to burn incense a lot on these camps, because, lets face it, scouts smell. I don't mean that as an insult it is just a fact of life. Plus I was reading BH Robert's Compressive History of the Church, had fantastic grades, and had taken to helping the widows in my neighborhood with their yard work, free of charge. Clearly all the signs of a heroine addict. Luckly I had the widows on my side.

Still it would be lie to say I didn't learn anything from scouting. One of my fist lessons in the weakness in Socialism came as a young Scout. We were given the task of selling Scout-O-Rama Tickets. Unlike Girl Scouts, who sell fantastical addicting cookies, Scouts sell tickets to the lamest show on earth. BSA use prises to incentive Scouts to sell these tickets. I hit the streets after school, on Saturdays, ever spare moment was spent trying to con people in buying the tickets. I used my boyish charm and as much manipulation as I could muster. I contacted every relative, neighbor and random stranger I could. I event tried to sell them during church, which is frowned upon.

I sold enough tickets to get a truly awesome bow and arrow, that I was going to use to ride the world of evil. You can imagine my feelings when I received a football. I couldn't throw or even catch a football, how was I supposed to fit evil with a damn football. I latter found out that the Scout Leader had felt sorry for the fat, lazy, stupid kids that had stay homed watching Teenage Mutan Ninja Turtle, and thus unable to sell as many tickets. The sales records were altered so that it appeared every kid sold the same amount and so we all got footballs.

That was the last ticket I sold, and have yet to ride the world of evil.

Troubles, Tribulations, Werewolfs

Friday night I was enjoying a glass of Shiraz, when I heard an unexpected knock at my door. It was my mother, who had come to babysit the kids. One of us had mixed up our days, but I never cancel or waste a babysitting. So I downed the rest of wine, shoved the car keys into Kat's hand and we left in a whirlwind of energy uncommon when Shiraz is involved. As we are pulling out of the driveway, Kat informed me that she had promised to go see "New Moon" with her sister. Of course the Shiraz, that I had just hastily consumed, thought this sounded like an acceptable activity.

The movie can me summed up with the following phrases,

Shirtless Indians
Pale, Creepy eyed Weirdos
Lots of moping about
No Zombies

15-30 minutes in I found my self outside the theater drinking the emergency Fuzy Navel I keep in my trunk for just this sort of thing desperately hoping that the it would erase shirtless Edward from my mind's eye for ever. It was not to be.

Vampires and Shiraz should not be trusted.

Jeffy D.

Guess who was inaugurated today in 1861? That 's right Jeffy D, Confederate President Jefferson Davis.

Apparently you can buy the T-shirt.
http://www.zazzle.com/jefferson_davis_yearbook_shirt-235801923104067677

If that's not your thing perhaps I could suggest one of the following.

http://www.zazzle.com/kansas_keeping_america_safe_from_missouri_tee_tshirt-235033313019177830

http://www.zazzle.com/the_north_defending_civil_war_champions_tshirt-235275934034097553

Utah

I like poeple like Mr Wimmer. There never ending flow of crazy keeps us all on our toes.

http://www.sltrib.com/news/ci_14317552
http://www.ksl.com/?nid=148&sid=6367553

Utah, too small for a Republic too large for an Insane Asylum.

Robin Hood

Lately my most excellent wife and I have been watching the BBC's tea time Drama, "Robin Hood." http://www.bbc.co.uk/robinhood/

So far it has been a British Version of "Zina Warrior Princes" without the lesbian sexual tension. The costuming is absurdly modern, and the characters are cartoonishly simple. Still I must admit I do enjoy watching it.

The hero is played by this scruffy looking fellow. You can see his equally scruffy band, behind him.

The only non scruff looking person in the entire show would be Marian who runs around at night as the "Night Watchman", the medieval equivalent of Bat Girl.

I find myslef always sideing with the villian Sir Guy of Gisborne as seen below.

Of the course the major reason for this behavior is his fantastic hair. It's like he just stepped out of an 80's hair band.

Of course other than the hair, I suggest the following as an explanation for this tendency. The Robin Legend is basically the "Evil/treasonous" Prince John abusing the good people of England with outrageous taxes while the "good/handsome" King Richard is away fighting the Third Crusade. Robin Hood arrives to assit the common people. The reality is Richard used England as a way to fund his wars. He reportable once claimed he would sell England if he could find an appropriate buyer. England also had to pay an outrageous ransom when Richard got himself captured by Duke Leopold of Austria. That right Austria. So it seems dear Richard is the one behind the offending taxes not John. Prince John on the other hand sealed the Magna Carta one of the first steps to limited government that we enjoy today.

But it is mostly the hair.

Pod Casts

I just wanted to do a little free advertising for two superb pod casts. I suppose I should warn that a lot of this information shared is not what one would call faith promoting.

The first is a panel led by John Larsen. The panel consist of people who have all been or currently are Mormons. Some have strong testimonies, some are now atheists/agnostics like myself, the rest are somewhere in between. Mr. Larsen does an excellent job. I would recommend the two part episode on Nauvoo Expositor. http://mormonexpression.com/

The second is produced by John Dehlin. Mr. Dehlin took a hiatus and has just recently started producing shows again. John believes that the LDS Church is a good institution and even if all of the claims are not true, it can make people better. I am mucho excited he has returned. I would recommend his interview with Grant Palmer or Todd Compton.
http://mormonstories.org/

If you need something to listen to while running these are great.

Computer Troubles

Today I had to fix my computer with a binder clip. I don't know if this is really cool, or really sad.

Knockin' on Heavens Door

Today I stopped to get a donut on my way to work. What event warrants such extravagant celebration you ask? Today is the anniversary of the death of Henry the VIII. Some may consider it a tad disturbing and perhaps morally repugnant to celebrate the death of a person, but look him.




Just look at his little piggy eyes and grotesque beard. He couldn't even be bothered to put on proper shoes, the ass. During the first couple days as King, Henry arrests two ministers and has them tried an executed for treason on groundless charges. That seemed to be his primary method of management. I understand that having a male heir would helped avoid a repeat of the War of Roses and medieval politics were a bit tricky, but claiming his marriage to Anne Boleyn is a result of witch craft seems over the line. Here is the photo of Henry I think should be on display.

Yet I am still torn in my celebratory feelings, because today marks the death of Sir Francis Drake, the Arch-Nemesis of Spain. After all the cannon, and musket balls, he died of dysentery.


Perhaps I should cut Henry some slack. Drake was involved in his share of massacres, accusations of witchcraft and slave trading. Perhaps I should try to find some kind of positive influence old Henry had. Perhaps I should eat more vegetables, and less Nachos. Perhaps I should read more books and watch less TV.

Then again, perhaps not. Screw you Henry, you slimy bastard.

I like Russia

Last year at this time I read "Red Mutiny: Eleven Fateful Days on the Battleship Potemkin " by Neal Bascomb. It is a fantastic read.

I like Russia. I also like lists. So here is a list of reason I like Russia.

1. The USSR always made the best bad guys in movies.
2. Russia beat the living crap out of Napoleon and Hitler in the exact same way.
3. Sarah Palin can see Russia from her house.
4. Russian History is just so interesting.
5. You can mix Vodka with anything.
6. I am surrounded by Republicans at work. I like to freak them out by drawing little hammers cicles on the white boards. Don't tell anyone it is me.
7. It is fun to call people comrade. (It is also fun to call people Citizen but that is more French)

Disclaimer - In case there is a future Red Scary run by a future "Joe McCarthy." I want to go on record as saying I am not a communist.

Ikea is like Dungons and Dragons

Last night Kat and I went to Ikea to look at some "quality" furniture. Going to Ikea is kind of like Dungeons and Dragons. You spend hours wandering around a maze, looking at weird shit, with strange people, wishing you were doing something that is actually fun. The only difference is that Doritos were not involved.

At least it is what I have always suspected D&D to be like. I don't expect you to believe this, I wouldn't, but I have never played Dungeons and Dragons. For some reason the nerd path I choose long ago never lead me to it. I was invited once by someone that even I considered nerdy, but was told that it was "Satan worship" by my church leaders. So, all you nerds are worshiping the Prince of Darkness.

Why my life is so Fantastic.,

I heard a song on the radio by Lily Allen called the "Fear." It is a rather catchy little tune. I like Ms. Allen's work. This song got in my head and I was humming all day. One of the lines that stuck out to me is "and that’s what makes my life so #^&*$#% fantastic." I started thinking about what makes my life so fantastic. There was a clear winner and she is in all of the photos below.




Of course the other two people in the photos are pretty great, but I wouldn't trade Kat for all the fame, cloths or diamond the world has to offer. She possess all the required variable in the "wonderfully person" equation. If memory serves that equations is as follows.

(interesting*intelligent+polite)*charitable+carrying+sweet^2+talented*non-judgmental
=
Wonderful Person

She all has the variable required for "perfect wife" equation, which is a very similar.

((interesting*intelligent+polite)*charitable+carrying+sweet+talented*non-judgmental)*log(Hot as the Death Valley in August or July)
=
Perfect Wife

I am as in love with her as ever.

Photo Time

Here is a photo of some of my in-laws doing a puzzle. I don't understand the appeal of puzzles but they seem to be enjoying themselves, don't they?



The kids love presents. Tom even likes it when we rap up things he already owns.
We took the kids to some place with a bunch of carnival like crap.
Red and Smiley with Santa.
Smiley makes a run for it.
This is Jane and of her friends.

Workout Videos

I like to think I am, at least, a tolerable husband. I put forward the following as evidence of this. I did a couple of aerobic work out videos with my wife so we could spend a little more time together. The nice thing about work videos is you can really slack off if you so desire. Of course my fragile male ego prevents such nonsense and I had to prove my self to the television, because everyone knows once you lose the respect of your television the DVD player will soon follow. This of course led to me hurling a number of insults and unfounded accusations at the instructors. Nothing too harsh, I am proud to say.

I really had a good time and can't wait to do another. Except for when Denise Austin said, and this is an exact quote "If you don't squeeze your tushy, no one else will." That was just too much.

Decedent of Greatness

Guess who is a decedent of Revolutionary War Veterans. That right I am. John Hupp and Joseph Workman are there names. Go ahead, bask in my new awesomeness.

I guess I will have to stop telling people I am a "Tory" when they ask me what political party most represent my view points. Usually I am much more of a wig, but sometimes I wake up and just feel "Tory."

Why Phoenix is Creepy

I just got back from a Business trip to Phoenix AZ. What was I doing you ask. I was a cashier. A slightly over payed cashier, but a cashier none the less. The TV in hotel room didn't work so I went to a bar, where I pretended to be interested in whatever was on ESPN. I hung on for nine minutes before I tried to kill myself with a drink straw.

After that I decided to walk around Phoenix. The walk started off rather pleasant. Phoenix is very clean, quite and the weather was excellent. Then I realized it was so quite because there was nobody around. The town seemed deserted and it suddenly became eerily quite. Like in the movies before something horrible happens. Nothing horrible did happen, but I don't think anyone really lives in Phoenix, except for a bunch of guys in orange jackets known as "Ambassadors." Just after 5:00 everybody seemed to file out of the buildings get on the train and leave. It was all done in shocking silence, except for one overly excited lawyer who I learned had two brief cases. She got on the train before I could ascertain why.

The only other event worth noting is I received a periodic massages from one of the high ranking executives in my company, while I was cashiering. I would have been freaked out but he was really pretty good at it, and to be honest I was a bit tense. Sometimes I just don't understand my life.

2 Year Old Boys

My 2 year old, Smiley, just figured out how to make "fart" sounds using his lips and arms.

If you laugh it only encourages the boy.