Well, we made it.

Well, we made it through another year. To be honest I wasn't always so sure it was going to happen.

What have I learned the last year? Well, I don't really remember right now. I was hoping to learn more but there was so much good television on. To celebrate new years I watched Mystery Men.

This movie came out ten years ago. The same year I began a mission for the LDS Church. My district watched it. I was told we had permission but I think that was a lie. On New Years in 1999 most missionaries in Cary, North Carolina had fallen asleep by 10:00 or so, but I stayed up. I remember walking out on our back porch listening to people celebrating and drinking as 12:00 came and went. I have never, in my life, felt more alone than at that moment.

Then a line from the movie came to me as if by inspiration. In the movie the Shoveller says "Lucille, God gave me a gift. I shovel well. I shovel very well." My super power is cleaning. I clean well, I clean really well. I instantly felt better. Oh, I still felt alone, but the pure absurdity of existence and the series of events that had brought me to where I was, struck me as bizarre. I was glade to have made it through that year, and felt hope for the future. "After all", I thought to myself, "things surely can't get worse than they are now."

Of course I was wrong, but it was a nice moment, even if it was only a moment.

Anyways, enough of that nonsense. Here are my prediction for 2010!

1. Once again, no flying cars. I don't know what the "scientist" are doing with there time.
2. Shark attacks will be down.
3. Bear attacks will be up.
4. Killer Bees and global warming will lead to a new threat... fire breathing killer bees that will spread fear into the hearts of men.
5. Twilight will continue to annoy the crap out of me throughout the year.
6. My family and extended family will continue to be totally awesome.
7. Leg warmers will make a come back. Bell Bottoms will not.
8. Walmart will turn out to be the "Great and Abdominal" Church, spoken of in the Book of Mormon.
9. I will forget where I parked my car at least 23 times.
10. I will convince myself, once again, that raising my own chickens is a good idea.

Bring it 2010. If your dare, and 2009 don't let the door hit you on A$% on your way out.

Toothpaste

Have you ever used kid's bubble gum flavored tooth paste instead of normal adult tooth paste? It sounds like fun, doesn't it. Bubble gum is always next to the candy at the grocery store so it should taste good right? Wrong! It is horrible. Not only does it not feel like your teeth are getting a proper cleaning but the taste is not refreshing in the least, which is something I think we all expect from tooth paste. The word I would use to describe the taste, is unpleasant. It is not vomit inducing by any means but still not fun.

Sexism at the Fabric Store

I sew, rather well I might add. I make all of my clothing used in my historic interpretation. I do my utmost to follow 19th century techniques, patterns and research to find the most correct material.

When I go to the fabric store I always get this hint of "silly boy sewing is for girls" which I find a bit distasteful. Given, this may be all in my head. Yesterday I went into a quilting store in search of some specific cotton. While there, I inquired about silk. The lady showed me some fake silk. Of course this may look the part, but it does not breath the same as real silk and will hamper my recreating the experience of wearing a proper 19th century cravat. I don't falt her for this because few reenactors even understand this attitude. Then she began telling me about how my mom or wife can help me with my "little" project, then says that is "after all that is what they are there for."

I am surrounded by very strong and successful women. My mom is an extremely successful accountant. My mother in law is a gifted and successful nurse. Both these women sew very well, but they also have some mad technical skills. My wife who does not sew quit as well as I do is, frankly, the most brilliant, caring, patient, loving person on the whole damn planet. I like to think they are "there" for more than to help me with a little sewing.

In this ladies defense I am sure she meant that moms, wives, fathers, husbands and families in general are there to help each other.

I also came a crossed this story the other day a sales person say "happy holidays" to a lady. She got pissed and started yelling at him about how it is "Merry Christmas" and he should not have to say anything different. He responds, by telling her he is an atheist so for him it is "Happy Holidays." I love the Holidays.

Thanks France

Today in 1777 France recognized America's independence. I really like the French for two reasons. First, they supported us in our struggle against the British. Though, personally I think they only did it to screw with the United Kingdom.

Second, when I visited Europe people seemed to be drawn to me. I had a 20 minute conversion with a Portuguese gentleman even though I don't speak that language. In the UK I got the entire life story of some sad man while sitting on a bench in Hyde park. The French just left me the hell alone, and I really appreciated that.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PDaLDpu0rZc

Also in 1745, Bonnie Prince Charlie was forced back into the depths of Scotland, from hence he had come.

Are you Bored?

Sometimes I wish I had an excited job like the people on TV. At work I never have to defuse a bomb, deal with alien invaders, or fight monsters. Godzilla never comes to my town, but that may have something to do with the liqueur laws.

But there is something I have that not even Godzilla has and that's Cheeseburger Friday. It is the must wonderful and magical workday of the week. I imagine if I did have a job as describe above there would be Fridays so busy I would be unable to get a Cheeseburger and that's just really sad. How often do you see people on those TV shows eating Cheeseburgers on Fridays?

In case you have a Job that does not make Cheeseburger Friday possible I have included a few clips to cheer you up a little. One even mocks Glen Beck.

Oh, I almost forgot, I should warn you the one on the end has a joke about mobius strip.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pcEpdxsWZLA
http://www.thedailyshow.com/watch/thu-december-10-2009/beck---not-so-mellow-gold
http://fora.tv/2009/11/08/Science_Laughs_The_Comedy_of_Norm_Goldblatt

Things I like and Don't Like About the 21st Century

Some one asked me if I would prefer to live int he 19th century. In order to answer this question I made the following list.

Don't Like
1. Radioactive pollution.
2. Telephones - I will use them to engage in interesting conversation but I still prefer to talk to people face to face.
3. Doctors never prescribe Whiskey or Brandy as medicine.
4. You can't wear a top hat and tailcoat and not look like a weirdo.
5. Dancing - We went to a Ball last night and it was great.

6. Nobody takes trains anymore.
7. Glen Beck

Likes
1. Indoor heating and cooling
2. Fast Food - It is slowing killing us all but I am diggin the ride.
3. Email - Limits the need for telephones.
4. Vaccinations
5. Lots of people go to college.
6. T.V.
7. I don't have to be a farmer.
8. Nachos
9. Neither James Buchanan or Matrin Van Buren is President of the United States.
10. Blog Stocking - You know you do it.
11. The Nicklecade

Looks like 21st century wins.

A few New Christmas List Items

Someone requested a few more items for my Christmas List that can be purchased off Amazon.

1. From Desert to Bayou: The Civil War Journal and Sketches of Morgan Wolfe Merrick
2. Rebels on the Rio Grande: The Civil War Journal of A.B. Peticolas

The Real Story of Thanksgiving

You have heard the story of Thanksgiving. A bunch of Colonists and Wampanoag Indians decided to sit down to feast on turkey, stuffing and mashed potatoes in the spirit of peace and harmony. The story claims that they were celebrating the harvest and the fact the colonist had survied the year, no small task in 1621.

I am going to relay the real story of Thanksgiving as recorded in a letter by Edward Winslow.

"Dearest Cousin Bill,
I am writing thou this day to tell thee of our adventures in the New World. Things are much different here than on our native English Soil. For example here, chips are called "french fries" and people ride horse, mule and cart on the wrong side of the road.

Anyways, I wish to tell thee of our victory against the dreaded turkey oppressors. When we landed on these mighty shores we were meet by a delegation of Cyber-Turkeys. Oh Cousin, these terrible beasties are nothing like the turkey you encounter on Christmas Morn. The villains have developed technology far beyond our simple tools. They are a horrifying mix of turkey, gear, pulley, steam power and assorted machinery. They rust with such easy that they each have two slaves that they never part with. One carries a large umbrella in case of inclement weather and another a tube of olive oil that is applied regularly. They eat only stale bread, onions and an assortment of spices. The cyber-turkey is almost impossible to kill. We have found that nether spear, nor arrow, nor musket have much affect on them.

Late last fall we found ourselves tapped and begun to despair when buxom Goody Norris appeared out of her cabin with a truly bizarre device she called the "Turkey Flammer 5000+." It was like a flame thrower that used butter as it's fuel. With much coolness she exclaimed "It's roasting time." After a few minutes every turkey was a fine golden brown. Being near unto death due a lack of vitals we began to eat and eat and eat. Then we watched some football and latter that night made sandwiches. It was so nice we are thinking of doing it again next year.

I hope thou hast a merry holiday and I long to hear that you have moved out of mother's basement. How is the comic book store?

Your Dearest Loving Cousin Ed..

P.S. They are going to put in a new Walmart done the street. There goes my property value."

And that is the story of thanksgiving.

Damn Leaves!

I hate them, stupid little bastards. I just finish taking care of the leaves on my lawn. I mean taking care of in a mobster kind of way. This year I decided to try grinding them up into little pieces, thus making them into fertilizer. It was really fun but it did feel kind of good to run the lawn mower over them again and again.

It is a good feeling coming into the house knowing your yard once again looks pristine, and it will be another 350+ days before you have to deal with the leaf infestation again.

Sorry that one is off the Christmas list.

Its that Time of Year Again

I like the holidays. The tacky commercialism, the Doctor Who Specials, the music, they are all great but the best part is the food. Yes, the food really makes it all work. Thanksgiving gets us warmed up for all the prime rib, crab, shrimp, candies, pies, rolls, chocolate and butter. During Christmas you can put butter on your cereal. That's the kind of magic that happens.

If I had been a Who down at Who Ville I would not have been so forgiving to the Grinch. It would be one thing if he took and planned to eat it but destroying it? That is something beyond my ability to comprehend.

The one thing I don't like about Christmas is picking out gift for people, but I don't mind buying them. In order to make it easier for those who have to buy me a gift I have decided to post a list. Most of these items are in the $20 dollar range.



1. One $20 dollar bill or Two $10 Dollar bills, or more if you wish. I promise this money will only be used for good.

2. Babysitting

3. A dress shirt I can were to work. Please nothing in pastels, all white, or overly bright colors. I have found it easier to sneak out of meeting early if I wear colors that don't draw to much attention.

4. Tostos Smooth an Creamy Dip with Santa Marie Chips. A link of the exact product is provided.
http://www.fritolay.com/our-snacks/tostitos-smooth-and-cheesy-dip.html

5. A nice Scotch or Brandy - no bottom shelf stuff.

6. Cheetos

7. Nice Running socks. Size 9

8. Cadbury Chocolate, Carmelo are my favorite but really anything these people do is great.

9. In the Shadow of the Temple. I don't really want to own this documentary but I would like to see it. http://www.intheshadowofthetemple.com/buy/

10. Itunes gift certificate



Buy the way if someone wants to rake the hordes of leafs on my lawn, I would happy count that.

Sometimes More isn't Better

Sometimes more isn't better, it is just more. This is especially true with Zombies. Some of you may know of my short career as a Actor/Model. Well, I was approached by a friend about helping produce a Zombie movie featuring Orrin Porter Rockwell, who kind of looks like a Zombie.
I was a bit unfamiliar with the Zombie apocalypse genera so I did some research and wanted to share my findings. The most important thing I have learned is that when one is playing "Thomas: the Tank Engine" with one's children it is considered inappropriate to have Percy get bitten by a monkey turn into a Zombie Train and chase the other trains slowing turning each of them into a Zombies until they are stopped by Gordan and Sir Topham Hat. The parenting videos the hospital provides to new parent fails to cover this topic. I also learned Chainsaws are not as effective against Zombies as one would have thought. Below is the list of Zombie movies I watched with some comments.

1. Night of the Living Dead - Classic, everyone should see this.
2. Dawn of the Dead - I watch both the 2004 remake and the original 1978. Both were great but I pefer the classic idea of Zombies who are slow and uncoordinated as in the 1978 version.

3. Zombie Campout - Could make it through this one sober.
4. Dead Alive - This movie is deeply disturbing and the writter has some serious issues. It is a very frighting movie but not in a conventional way, but in a "what kind of person thought this up" way . If you've seen it you know what I mean. If not I would avoid this one.
5. Evil Dead, Evil Dead II, and Army of Darkness - Bruce Campbell, what a guy. The dialog in this movie is solid gold. 8. Shaun of the Dead - This is one of those cased where the spoof is better than the rest.
7. 28 Day Later - This movie is English and has Christopher Eccleston (The 9th Doctor Who). It is probably a good movie, but by this time I am suffering from Zombie burn out.

I still have Day of the Dead, Land of the Dead, and Zombieland to go. Wish me luck.

By the way if do find yourself confronted with a Zombie controlled world the best place to go would be a Gun/Pie store. You'll need the Guns for obvious reasons plus you will be able to enjoy some free pie.

John Browns and Aliens

Some people have nightmares about monsters, ghosts, murders or going to school naked. I have nightmares about aliens and this man.

Spooky isn't he. This is Old John Brown, the abolitionist or terrorist depending on your take. Here are some of his quotes.

"I, John Brown, am now quite certain that the crimes of this guilty land will never be purged away but with blood."

"I want you to understand that I respect the rights of the poorest and weakest of colored people, oppressed by the slave system, just as much as I do those of the most wealthy and powerful. That is the idea that has moved me, and that alone."

Some of his action include hacking slave owners to death with broadswords and an unsuccessful slaver upriseing in Harper's Ferry that he began 150 years ago today.

I am as opposed to slavery as the next man, I just don't think killig people with swords as a workable solution.

Can you imagine how intense a nightmare about John Brown being an Alien would be? Or maybe John Brown, Clown, Aleins?

Things I don't Really Understand

This is a list of things I don't really "get" or understand.

1. Margarine - I know it supposed to be better for your heart, but butter is truly one the greatest inventions of mankind. Butter turns the boring and tasteless into a kaleidoscopes of pure joy.

2. Fat jokes - I am an Eagle Scout and to be honest the only thing I gained from the entire experience was a long list of fart jokes. Actually it is really only one joke with a number of subtle variations. No cleaver Jokes about Empire, Flags, Cakes, like the link below, just fart jokes.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pAOLOGGftTY

3. Why my 2 year old enjoys walking around with his pants around his ankles. Really, everyday I come home he come walking in with his pants around his ankles all smiling and happy to see me.

4. Why am I obsessed with Dylan Moran? I think I have seen him in everything he has done.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B1v5slCZj8A

While normal people watched football

Normal people, like my wife, watch football on Saturdays. Red, Smiley and I do not. Kat was actually listening to the game at our ward's "Super" Saturday. Honestly, I fail to see what is so super about it. I am sure they also fail to see why I spent my time and money on a reproduction of a 1812 boarding pike. By the way Kat did not take BYU's tragic lose very well. I almost had to call for someone to take us to a safe house. Anyways while the rest of America was watching college football, Red and I mounted my new pike head onto a pole. It was a lot of fun. You can see Red below wearing the required safety googles. You can see the pike in her hand. I don't think it was a great reproduction but then again I have never seen a real one.
Here you can see her helping me marked where the pike fits on the pole.
As you can see that was not all she marked.

Here is a photo of her building a tower.
The project didn't turn out as well as I had hoped, even with Red's help, so I am not posting any photos of the result.

For those of you who do not regular attend "Super" Saturdays they last for a very long time, or Kat went to the movies. Either way we were on our own for dinner. I made a vegetarian Thanksgiving Dinner. Not because I am opposed to eating of animal flesh but because we didn't actual have any turkey and after all the pike mounting I was in no mood to walking to the store. So here it is.
Yes that is stove top stuffing, frozen corn and mashed potatoes with as much butter as I could get away with. The kids enjoyed it.

I thought it only fair to let Red take a photo or two as can be seen below.

All in all it was not bad evening, and now we can repeal boarders with greater efficiency.

And Another One Bits the Dust

So we just hosted the best Civil War Reenactment in the I have ever seen. It was a lot of fun but more importantly it was educational. I have provided a few of photos.

OMG hes been shot! These guys came from CA for our little event.

I told everyone in this photo to pose as if they had died while in the fight. As you can see Yankees fail to follow instructions.

Cavalry to the rescue.

Poor Confederate, died in his prime.

This in my favorite. I am the one in the weeds.

I wish I had thought to lay those two muskets down.

This Yankee may be a bit confused as to what side he should be on, but he is going to open a extra large can of whoop ass either way.

We watched as the Yankees fled in disarray.

I was able to yell "Over the top boys nobody lived forever" for the first time in my life and it actually applied to what I was doing.

This a good view of me from behind.

My tent is the extra large and comfortable one on the left.

Jesse James

I just watched the The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0443680/

To be honest I was not expecting much. I had heard this was basically a love story, well I heard wrong. I have always felt the James and Young gang was a by-product of Missouri Guerrilla warfare starring notable characters such as William Quantrill and Bloody Bill Anderson. It is a portion of our Civil War I study when I need reminding of the true "romance" of war.

Anyways, it was more about Robert Ford and less about Jesse James. The characters were engaging and the story was interesting. Jesse was not painted as modern "Robin Hood" nether was Ford painted as the shady assassin.

Convention the Final Frontier

If you read the last post I bet you are dying to know what I was up to in Vegas during the first two days of our vacation. I was at a Star Trek Convention. As proof I submit the photo of me with one of my favorite characters from Star Trek V.

As you can see I am not quite at the dress up level yet. Kat really pushed me to go and she was right to do so. It was not only very enjoyable but fairly educational. For example, I did not know that many Star Trek Fans are females. They were not social awkward, cat ladies types either. I would not be surprised if there were more women than men in attendance. Below an example of a very popular costume this season.

This was another popular costume.

There wear a lot of these but I didn't take many pictures because I didn't want to come off as creepy.

Here are few others that were big hits.

I spoke with the guy below and he really fit the Trekkie stereotype.

These two were pretty drunk. I thought the one on the right was going to throw me over her shoulder and carry me off.












This women was extremly popular, as you can imagine.

I went to a number of the presentation from the actors. I found that most people asked well-thought out, interesting, or humorous questions. Of course there are always the exceptions. Star Trek fans sometime have a hard time understanding why the actors are not as into the series as much as themselves.

I was really touched by Mr. Takei comments about Proposition 8 in CA. He did such a good presentation it almost made me forget about how weird he is. Lawenece Luckinbill was also very profound.

Zachary Quinto's mere presence on stage sent one of the fans into a panic attack/swoon kind of thing. He had to gave her a hug to help her calm down enough to ask her question. He seemed to get all the really strange questions. Such as why he didn't use his sword from Heroes to stab anyone, or how he could have a relationship with Uhura even though Vulcan males only mate once every seven years. I was impressed about how patient he was with people that made even me uncomfortable.

Mr. Shatner is larger than life on stage. My favorite part of his presentation was when called Mr Nimoy a whore/prostitute for jumping at the chance to do the new movie and not doing Generations with Shatner. Really, the term whore was used four time and prostitute twice. Nimoy just shuck his head.It was fantastic.

The best part of the convention was Sunday afternoon. I was in the Men's room, when Mr Nimoy walked in and used the urinal two down from me. I almost told him how much I enjoyed his work, but not even Spock was temptation enough for me to the break the unwritten "no talking at urinal" rule. Plus there is a time and place for everything.

Kevin Sorbo from "Hercules the Legendary Journey" was there and a little grumpy. There was also a huge number of people who played lesser roles.

I bought Kat a "Tribble" as a gift. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Trouble_With_Tribbles

She claimed to like it but I have my doubts.

I also think I got hit on by a prostitute. That is the last time I walk the strip with a Star Trek T shirt on.