The Real Story of Thanksgiving

You have heard the story of Thanksgiving. A bunch of Colonists and Wampanoag Indians decided to sit down to feast on turkey, stuffing and mashed potatoes in the spirit of peace and harmony. The story claims that they were celebrating the harvest and the fact the colonist had survied the year, no small task in 1621.

I am going to relay the real story of Thanksgiving as recorded in a letter by Edward Winslow.

"Dearest Cousin Bill,
I am writing thou this day to tell thee of our adventures in the New World. Things are much different here than on our native English Soil. For example here, chips are called "french fries" and people ride horse, mule and cart on the wrong side of the road.

Anyways, I wish to tell thee of our victory against the dreaded turkey oppressors. When we landed on these mighty shores we were meet by a delegation of Cyber-Turkeys. Oh Cousin, these terrible beasties are nothing like the turkey you encounter on Christmas Morn. The villains have developed technology far beyond our simple tools. They are a horrifying mix of turkey, gear, pulley, steam power and assorted machinery. They rust with such easy that they each have two slaves that they never part with. One carries a large umbrella in case of inclement weather and another a tube of olive oil that is applied regularly. They eat only stale bread, onions and an assortment of spices. The cyber-turkey is almost impossible to kill. We have found that nether spear, nor arrow, nor musket have much affect on them.

Late last fall we found ourselves tapped and begun to despair when buxom Goody Norris appeared out of her cabin with a truly bizarre device she called the "Turkey Flammer 5000+." It was like a flame thrower that used butter as it's fuel. With much coolness she exclaimed "It's roasting time." After a few minutes every turkey was a fine golden brown. Being near unto death due a lack of vitals we began to eat and eat and eat. Then we watched some football and latter that night made sandwiches. It was so nice we are thinking of doing it again next year.

I hope thou hast a merry holiday and I long to hear that you have moved out of mother's basement. How is the comic book store?

Your Dearest Loving Cousin Ed..

P.S. They are going to put in a new Walmart done the street. There goes my property value."

And that is the story of thanksgiving.