Knockin' on Heavens Door

Today I stopped to get a donut on my way to work. What event warrants such extravagant celebration you ask? Today is the anniversary of the death of Henry the VIII. Some may consider it a tad disturbing and perhaps morally repugnant to celebrate the death of a person, but look him.




Just look at his little piggy eyes and grotesque beard. He couldn't even be bothered to put on proper shoes, the ass. During the first couple days as King, Henry arrests two ministers and has them tried an executed for treason on groundless charges. That seemed to be his primary method of management. I understand that having a male heir would helped avoid a repeat of the War of Roses and medieval politics were a bit tricky, but claiming his marriage to Anne Boleyn is a result of witch craft seems over the line. Here is the photo of Henry I think should be on display.

Yet I am still torn in my celebratory feelings, because today marks the death of Sir Francis Drake, the Arch-Nemesis of Spain. After all the cannon, and musket balls, he died of dysentery.


Perhaps I should cut Henry some slack. Drake was involved in his share of massacres, accusations of witchcraft and slave trading. Perhaps I should try to find some kind of positive influence old Henry had. Perhaps I should eat more vegetables, and less Nachos. Perhaps I should read more books and watch less TV.

Then again, perhaps not. Screw you Henry, you slimy bastard.

I like Russia

Last year at this time I read "Red Mutiny: Eleven Fateful Days on the Battleship Potemkin " by Neal Bascomb. It is a fantastic read.

I like Russia. I also like lists. So here is a list of reason I like Russia.

1. The USSR always made the best bad guys in movies.
2. Russia beat the living crap out of Napoleon and Hitler in the exact same way.
3. Sarah Palin can see Russia from her house.
4. Russian History is just so interesting.
5. You can mix Vodka with anything.
6. I am surrounded by Republicans at work. I like to freak them out by drawing little hammers cicles on the white boards. Don't tell anyone it is me.
7. It is fun to call people comrade. (It is also fun to call people Citizen but that is more French)

Disclaimer - In case there is a future Red Scary run by a future "Joe McCarthy." I want to go on record as saying I am not a communist.

Ikea is like Dungons and Dragons

Last night Kat and I went to Ikea to look at some "quality" furniture. Going to Ikea is kind of like Dungeons and Dragons. You spend hours wandering around a maze, looking at weird shit, with strange people, wishing you were doing something that is actually fun. The only difference is that Doritos were not involved.

At least it is what I have always suspected D&D to be like. I don't expect you to believe this, I wouldn't, but I have never played Dungeons and Dragons. For some reason the nerd path I choose long ago never lead me to it. I was invited once by someone that even I considered nerdy, but was told that it was "Satan worship" by my church leaders. So, all you nerds are worshiping the Prince of Darkness.

Why my life is so Fantastic.,

I heard a song on the radio by Lily Allen called the "Fear." It is a rather catchy little tune. I like Ms. Allen's work. This song got in my head and I was humming all day. One of the lines that stuck out to me is "and that’s what makes my life so #^&*$#% fantastic." I started thinking about what makes my life so fantastic. There was a clear winner and she is in all of the photos below.




Of course the other two people in the photos are pretty great, but I wouldn't trade Kat for all the fame, cloths or diamond the world has to offer. She possess all the required variable in the "wonderfully person" equation. If memory serves that equations is as follows.

(interesting*intelligent+polite)*charitable+carrying+sweet^2+talented*non-judgmental
=
Wonderful Person

She all has the variable required for "perfect wife" equation, which is a very similar.

((interesting*intelligent+polite)*charitable+carrying+sweet+talented*non-judgmental)*log(Hot as the Death Valley in August or July)
=
Perfect Wife

I am as in love with her as ever.

Photo Time

Here is a photo of some of my in-laws doing a puzzle. I don't understand the appeal of puzzles but they seem to be enjoying themselves, don't they?



The kids love presents. Tom even likes it when we rap up things he already owns.
We took the kids to some place with a bunch of carnival like crap.
Red and Smiley with Santa.
Smiley makes a run for it.
This is Jane and of her friends.

Workout Videos

I like to think I am, at least, a tolerable husband. I put forward the following as evidence of this. I did a couple of aerobic work out videos with my wife so we could spend a little more time together. The nice thing about work videos is you can really slack off if you so desire. Of course my fragile male ego prevents such nonsense and I had to prove my self to the television, because everyone knows once you lose the respect of your television the DVD player will soon follow. This of course led to me hurling a number of insults and unfounded accusations at the instructors. Nothing too harsh, I am proud to say.

I really had a good time and can't wait to do another. Except for when Denise Austin said, and this is an exact quote "If you don't squeeze your tushy, no one else will." That was just too much.

Decedent of Greatness

Guess who is a decedent of Revolutionary War Veterans. That right I am. John Hupp and Joseph Workman are there names. Go ahead, bask in my new awesomeness.

I guess I will have to stop telling people I am a "Tory" when they ask me what political party most represent my view points. Usually I am much more of a wig, but sometimes I wake up and just feel "Tory."

Why Phoenix is Creepy

I just got back from a Business trip to Phoenix AZ. What was I doing you ask. I was a cashier. A slightly over payed cashier, but a cashier none the less. The TV in hotel room didn't work so I went to a bar, where I pretended to be interested in whatever was on ESPN. I hung on for nine minutes before I tried to kill myself with a drink straw.

After that I decided to walk around Phoenix. The walk started off rather pleasant. Phoenix is very clean, quite and the weather was excellent. Then I realized it was so quite because there was nobody around. The town seemed deserted and it suddenly became eerily quite. Like in the movies before something horrible happens. Nothing horrible did happen, but I don't think anyone really lives in Phoenix, except for a bunch of guys in orange jackets known as "Ambassadors." Just after 5:00 everybody seemed to file out of the buildings get on the train and leave. It was all done in shocking silence, except for one overly excited lawyer who I learned had two brief cases. She got on the train before I could ascertain why.

The only other event worth noting is I received a periodic massages from one of the high ranking executives in my company, while I was cashiering. I would have been freaked out but he was really pretty good at it, and to be honest I was a bit tense. Sometimes I just don't understand my life.

2 Year Old Boys

My 2 year old, Smiley, just figured out how to make "fart" sounds using his lips and arms.

If you laugh it only encourages the boy.