Help I am in Kanab

I am currently on my second business trip ever. My first was to Portland. This time Fortuna has sent me in Kanab.

I have made a couple of observations.

1. Kanab was "the place" to shoot crappy westerns from the 40's to the 60's, and know tries to make $$$ on this fact as seen below.
2. Kanab is unable to make a proper meatball sandwich.

3. Standing behind someone with a clipboard and stopwatch is not the way to make friends.

One of my tasks consist of time studies, which involves timing people as they perform a task. You can imagine how popular this has made me. I fear I have greatly added to Kanab's fears that we are going to shut them down down. It also doesn't help that I have trouble hiding my disdain for small towns and that I am unsure why I am here. So when asked, I have to make something up which no one is buying. It's like being the bad guy in a made for TV movie about some small town.

So far the highlight of my trip was a very long run. First, I ran past the public pool where someone had a rather nasty accident resulting in more gore than I wish to describe here. Second, I ran up a beautiful canyon. Third I say a women sunbathing topless at one of the hotel pools. I found this interesting because Kanab does not allow bikinis in the city pool.

The Bruce and King Fatty Fatty Fats Fats

Today in 1314 Robert the Bruce and his Nobel Scotch Army defeated the English at the Battle of Bannockburn. It was one of many times that the English had their a#$es handed to them by The Bruce. I am descendant from the Noble House of Hamilton, who participated in the Battle.

The Hamiltons, apparently, waited until they were sure Robert was a "winner" before jumping on the Scottish Independence band wagon. My wife is a descendant of old Rob and tonight I have to go to a Elders Quorum BBQ to make up for my ancestors fence sitting ways.

Also today in 1509 the King Henry the VII was crowned King of England. We are in no way related to him, for he is a mighty a#$ goblin of an especially foul smelling and ancient breed of a#$ goblin. Sometimes when I am feeling depressed I think about how much fun it would be if, in the afterlife, we all called him King "Fatty Fatty Fats Fats", the VIII instead of Henry, and he is always being bullied by Joan of Arc and Susan B Anthony.

Star Trek

I went to see "Star Trek" again this weekend with my parents and sister. As I was sitting excitedly waiting for this most choice motion picture to begin I watched a group of rather larger people walk into the theater. The leader was a man wearing overalls who looked like the farmer zombie in the 1980 remake of "Night oft he Living Dead."

We were sitting at the very top of the theater and I watched as these people began to laboriously, struggle there way up to us. They inquired if I was saving the seats next to me I replied with a pleasant, "No they are all yours" and even moved down a seat as to allow their party to remain together. I always make it a goal to be as polite as possible.

Of course I am going to fail at this right now. The largest of this party sat next to me and began to spill over into my seat. The climb was to much for this poor lady. She looked as though she was going to die right there and then. I was contemplating offering her some water or sprite when I was hit by a most nauseating smell. It was not unlike being punched in the face. It was a mix of mothballs, BO, mold, and cat urine. As I struggled not to vomit up the Kit Kat bar I had just enjoyed I began to worry the smell would somehow attach itself to me. After about 2 minutes I could take no more and abandoned my parents and sister and fled to the other side of the theater. It was horrible, and I mean really horrible. It was really kind of sad. Luckily Star Trek is so fantastic, I had forgotten about her and that terrible smell by the time the USS Kelvin was destroyed.

Camping and Yellowstone

We went to Yellowstone last weekend. The camera battery died so I don't have any pictures to post of the event. The kids had a great time, seeing Buffalo, Elk, and sleeping in the same bed as dad. Of course the they insist on sleeping perpendicular to dad.

When I was a boy scout people used to tell me about all the wonderful things scouting would teach me. These "wonderful" lessons must have been taught when I was sick or something because the only really useful I learned from boy scouts is that I don't care for camping. I don't understand the appeal of going out to into the woods and pretending you are homeless. Really, once you have seen one damn tree, river, rock or lake you have seen them all. So if camping is going out to the woods and pretending your are homeless than motor home camping is like going out to the woods and pretending you live in a trailer park. The major difference being instead of beer people drank wine and instead of walking around in tank tops they wore polo shirts. I tried (and failed) to successful work "Oh snap" into my vocabular.

Don't get me wrong I am grateful for motor home. If I have to choose I am all about the trailer park, the wife's parents are generous to take us along. My favorite part of Yellowstone is the architecture, the bubbling ponds of goo are nice and all but just not really my thing. Smiley's was the stairs and Red's was any and all animals.

I also experienced my first tire blow out. While we were getting it fixed I had the best enchilada with Smiley. He mostly wanted to drink my water but it was a fun father son taco moment.

Easter Photos

Ok, this is really an easter photo, but isn't it a real nice tractor.

I wonder if Pioneer Children really sang as they walked?

We went to This is the Place a couple of weekends ago. We come from Pioneer stalk that joined the Mormon Church. A few were US citizens that joined the Mormon Church when Smith open shopped, and walked to Utah. 

Personally I think I take after the side of the family that waited until they put in the train to come to Utah. I think Smilie and Red takes after that side as well.

Here we are eating lunch in the dinning car.

Here we are holding some chicks, that we covered in chicken poo. Red liked it Dad did not.
The ponies are of course a big attraction.

It was fun. 

Sometimes I wonder if my Ancestors came to Utah not because of a firm belief in Mormonism, but for the cheap land. I really hope it wasn't for an extra wife or two. 

 

2001: A Space Odyssey

So a couple of days ago I saw 2001: A Space Odyssey.

I guess it is suposed to be a "ground breaking" film. The visual effects were impressive for the era. I am sure there are many interpretations of the film, but here are the lessons I gleaned from the film.

1. Bones can make solid weapons in a pitch.

2. Tapirs are ugly.

3. Space is pretty much a really, really boring place. You have to eat from a tube and everything is always spinning. If you are really lucky a computer will kill you before your have to spend the rest of your life in a creep hotel with bright green furniture. The Hotel does not appear to have either a spa or swimming pool.