Things that sound funny in your head but not coming from you mouth.

Have you ever had an idea that struck you as, very funny and/or cleaver? Then during execute the joke turns out not to be all that funny and/or cleaver.

For example, lets say you are in your year end review, and you boss asks you "What do you want most of of your job." It might strike you as funny to suddenly stand up and shout "REVENGE!"

Or perhaps a female coworker tells you she needs to put her face on and you think it might funny to respond with a cheery "Good Luck."

Or your Mormon boss asks you to forecast something that is impossible to forecast so you take a rock you found in the parking lot, place it in a hat then place you face in the hat and start pretending to read off numbers.

Though these things may seem to be funny, they are not. Unless one has had the required amount of vodka. However, a joke that requires alcohol to be funny is most likely not a good joke
I am currently reading controversial "No Man Knows My History." It's not bad. After I finish I am thinking of reading on of the following. If anyone has read one of them please let me know your thoughts.

1.The Stray Shopping Carts of Eastern North America

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0810955202?ie=UTF8&tag=oddee-20&linkCode=as2&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=0810955202


2.Pride and Prejudice and Zombies
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1594743347?ie=UTF8&tag=oddee-20&linkCode=as2&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=1594743347

St Patrick's ay

I am not a decedent of Ireland nor am I Catholic, so ST Patrick's Day isn't really my thing.

However, I would like to point out that St Patrick was brought to Ireland as a slave by ........................ Vikings.




Ireland, you are welcome.

Villian Correction

The Author of Melissamerica pointed out that I should consider adding Heth Ledger from the new Batman. I actually have not seen it as of yet. I am not proud of this fact but there wee are. I want to add a new Villain to my list.

Jack Nicholson playing the Joker.

I am sure Mr Ledger did a fine job, but Mr Nicholson has so many fantastic lines.

Here are a few samples.

"Batman... Batman... Can somebody tell me what kind of a world we live in, where a man dressed up as a *bat* gets all of my press? This town needs an enema! "

"Oh, little song, little dance. Batman's head on a lance. "

Day Light Savings Time/Correlation

Ben Franklin supposedly conceived of the daylight saving times and I will never, ever forgive that no good, cheating, ass goblin.

I hate daylight saving time. I really, really, really hate it.

On a more cheerful note, according to the New York Times Utah is the happiest states in the US. Apparently Utah also downloads more porn than any other state. The fact that I learned these two facts with a period of two days is really creeping me out. I need some Fritos.

A Villian's Villian

Recently I took an online test that scientifically measures how evil you would be if you were a evil villain. I scored very, very low. To quote Dr Evil, I am semi-evil, quasi-evil, the margarine of evil, the Diet Coke of evil. I tell myself it is not due to a lack of creativity in evil scheming but due to the fact that I can be easily bought off and am a bit lazy. Apparently evil villains must have a firm dedication to mayhem, chaos and destruction. I have a firm dedication to tacos, sleeping in and watching TV.

So I have decided to make a list of top villains. I am ranking them according to their ability to cause mayhem, chaos and destruction as well as there overall commitment level. I hope this will be helpful in some way, but I don't really see how. In some cases I also included a alternative "Hero" I really think would make a good match. If you have similar list or a disagreement on some point please pass it on to me.

10. The Operative (Serenity) - He is elegant, and kills with a sword. Classic.

9. Major Toht, Colonel Vogel and the Nazis (Indian Jones) - These Goose-stepping morons should try reading books instead of burning them!

8. Cylons (Battlestar Galactic) - They were created by man, they Rebelled, they evolved, they look like us, and they have a plan. They would also get their asses handed to them by John Mclane. Yippee-ki-yay, motherfragger!

7. Hans Gruber or Elliot Marston - The clenched teeth of Alan Rickman are so fantastically evil.

6. King Edward 1 (Braveheart) - At one part of the movie this guy just through a dude out a window. Who does that?

5. Lex Luther -(Superman - but only Kevin Spacey or Gene Hackman) - "The Greatest Criminal Mind on Earth!" Lex of course must rank high, even if Superman would be a total wuss without his "special" powers. Diana Troy would beat the crap out of him, all things being equal.

4. Khan (Star Trek II) - This Melville quoting, genetically alter super human will stop at nothing to get his revenge.

3. Madam Defarge (Tale of Two Cities) - She knits while watching Madam guillotine at work. That trait alone could put her to the top. I think a great match for her would be Viper Ace Lt Thrash.

2. Benjamin Linus (Lost) - He might look like Beaker but this guy is creepy as hell. One minute he is your buddy the next he is trying to strangle you to death. You never know where you stand with old Linus.

1. Daleks (Dr Who) - Unlike most of the above, these guys have no desire to rule the world or the galaxy. They want to destroy it. Why? Because it is not Dalek. They built a bomb that would destroy every particle of matter in the universe. They have no match in scale or dedication. Thus they are are # 1. Only one person, other than the Doctor and his companions, is resourceful to take on these bad guys, Captain Kathern Janeway. Go kick some ass Kathy.

Honorable Mentions include

Judge Doom creator of Dip (Who Framed Rogger Rabbit)

Paris Hilton

Count Olof (A Series of unfortunate Event)

Emperor Palpatine and Darth Vader (Star Wars)

Dr Horrible (Dr Horrible's Sing-a-long Blog. I know he is quasi evil as well but I love him)

Alien (From Aliens)

Marvin the Martian (He wanted to destroy the Earth because it blocked his view of Venus)

Martians (War of the Worlds)

Smog (The Hobbit)

Saraman and Soron, (Lord of the Rings)

Chuck the Evil Sandwich Making Guy (Word Girl)

The Moonites (Aqua Teen Hunger Force)

Viva La Revolution VS the Little Princess

One of my favorite subject to study is revolutions. Big small, red, blue, I enjoy learning about them all. Some of my favs include (but are not limited to) the American Revolution, the French Revolution, and the Haitian Revolution.s

One of Red's favorite subjects is Princesses. See below.

She also has everything required to reenact most classic fairy tales. We have knights, horses, fairies, peasants, kings, queens, castles, cottages, scores of dragons and wide selection of animals. We often play a game were we reenact the Disney's classic hit, Sleeping Beauty.

I can't remember the story word for word like mom, so I have to improvise. Sometimes I add story lines from my interests, such as power struggles between the king and queen and their knights or I throw in a peasant revolt. Sometimes I introduce new characters like "The Evil Death Zebra" who is an obvious reference to Napoleon Bonaparte.

Sometimes Red changes the story. Such as adding a small army of "scary" Dragons and Dinosaurs that combine their strength and force everyone into hiding until they are liberated by a giant snake and it's little baby.

I suspect the Dragons and Dinosaurs might represent the Prussians and Austrians, or possibly Nazi Germany. Red is a very deep thinker for a three year old. I am still unclear about the snake and baby snake but it might be a biblical reference to the story of Moses and the Snake on the Staff.

If we are really luck we are joined by Smiley. He usually plays the roll of "Babyzilla" who captures unsuspecting victims, puts them in his mouth, and wanders away with them. Smiley's portrayal of "Babyzilla" is as humorous as it is heart warming.

I think the true moral of the story is, that no matter how many Peasant Revolts, Dragons, Dinosaurs, or Evil Death Zebras you face in life, there is always something out there who wants to put you in its month.

GO TEAM!!!!!!!

Happy B-Day, Dudes

Today is the 200th Birthday of two very great, yet fairly unattractive men.

First we have old Honest Abe Lincoln, the Formidable Ass Kicker of Slavery. Civil war, crazy wife, death and destruction, Lincoln's story has it all. Yet, he did great thing and is remembered as, perhaps, the greatest US President. As the man said "whatever you are, be a good one."



Second is Mr. Charles Darwin, author of Origin of Species. I really like Darwin and not only because he has been pissing off Conservative Christian for so very long, or because he is doing this while sporting an old testament style beard, but because he came up with one hell of an idea. Well done Mr Darwin.