The Real Story of Thanksgiving

You have heard the story of Thanksgiving. A bunch of Colonists and Wampanoag Indians decided to sit down to feast on turkey, stuffing and mashed potatoes in the spirit of peace and harmony. The story claims that they were celebrating the harvest and the fact the colonist had survied the year, no small task in 1621.

I am going to relay the real story of Thanksgiving as recorded in a letter by Edward Winslow.

"Dearest Cousin Bill,
I am writing thou this day to tell thee of our adventures in the New World. Things are much different here than on our native English Soil. For example here, chips are called "french fries" and people ride horse, mule and cart on the wrong side of the road.

Anyways, I wish to tell thee of our victory against the dreaded turkey oppressors. When we landed on these mighty shores we were meet by a delegation of Cyber-Turkeys. Oh Cousin, these terrible beasties are nothing like the turkey you encounter on Christmas Morn. The villains have developed technology far beyond our simple tools. They are a horrifying mix of turkey, gear, pulley, steam power and assorted machinery. They rust with such easy that they each have two slaves that they never part with. One carries a large umbrella in case of inclement weather and another a tube of olive oil that is applied regularly. They eat only stale bread, onions and an assortment of spices. The cyber-turkey is almost impossible to kill. We have found that nether spear, nor arrow, nor musket have much affect on them.

Late last fall we found ourselves tapped and begun to despair when buxom Goody Norris appeared out of her cabin with a truly bizarre device she called the "Turkey Flammer 5000+." It was like a flame thrower that used butter as it's fuel. With much coolness she exclaimed "It's roasting time." After a few minutes every turkey was a fine golden brown. Being near unto death due a lack of vitals we began to eat and eat and eat. Then we watched some football and latter that night made sandwiches. It was so nice we are thinking of doing it again next year.

I hope thou hast a merry holiday and I long to hear that you have moved out of mother's basement. How is the comic book store?

Your Dearest Loving Cousin Ed..

P.S. They are going to put in a new Walmart done the street. There goes my property value."

And that is the story of thanksgiving.

Damn Leaves!

I hate them, stupid little bastards. I just finish taking care of the leaves on my lawn. I mean taking care of in a mobster kind of way. This year I decided to try grinding them up into little pieces, thus making them into fertilizer. It was really fun but it did feel kind of good to run the lawn mower over them again and again.

It is a good feeling coming into the house knowing your yard once again looks pristine, and it will be another 350+ days before you have to deal with the leaf infestation again.

Sorry that one is off the Christmas list.

Its that Time of Year Again

I like the holidays. The tacky commercialism, the Doctor Who Specials, the music, they are all great but the best part is the food. Yes, the food really makes it all work. Thanksgiving gets us warmed up for all the prime rib, crab, shrimp, candies, pies, rolls, chocolate and butter. During Christmas you can put butter on your cereal. That's the kind of magic that happens.

If I had been a Who down at Who Ville I would not have been so forgiving to the Grinch. It would be one thing if he took and planned to eat it but destroying it? That is something beyond my ability to comprehend.

The one thing I don't like about Christmas is picking out gift for people, but I don't mind buying them. In order to make it easier for those who have to buy me a gift I have decided to post a list. Most of these items are in the $20 dollar range.



1. One $20 dollar bill or Two $10 Dollar bills, or more if you wish. I promise this money will only be used for good.

2. Babysitting

3. A dress shirt I can were to work. Please nothing in pastels, all white, or overly bright colors. I have found it easier to sneak out of meeting early if I wear colors that don't draw to much attention.

4. Tostos Smooth an Creamy Dip with Santa Marie Chips. A link of the exact product is provided.
http://www.fritolay.com/our-snacks/tostitos-smooth-and-cheesy-dip.html

5. A nice Scotch or Brandy - no bottom shelf stuff.

6. Cheetos

7. Nice Running socks. Size 9

8. Cadbury Chocolate, Carmelo are my favorite but really anything these people do is great.

9. In the Shadow of the Temple. I don't really want to own this documentary but I would like to see it. http://www.intheshadowofthetemple.com/buy/

10. Itunes gift certificate



Buy the way if someone wants to rake the hordes of leafs on my lawn, I would happy count that.

Sometimes More isn't Better

Sometimes more isn't better, it is just more. This is especially true with Zombies. Some of you may know of my short career as a Actor/Model. Well, I was approached by a friend about helping produce a Zombie movie featuring Orrin Porter Rockwell, who kind of looks like a Zombie.
I was a bit unfamiliar with the Zombie apocalypse genera so I did some research and wanted to share my findings. The most important thing I have learned is that when one is playing "Thomas: the Tank Engine" with one's children it is considered inappropriate to have Percy get bitten by a monkey turn into a Zombie Train and chase the other trains slowing turning each of them into a Zombies until they are stopped by Gordan and Sir Topham Hat. The parenting videos the hospital provides to new parent fails to cover this topic. I also learned Chainsaws are not as effective against Zombies as one would have thought. Below is the list of Zombie movies I watched with some comments.

1. Night of the Living Dead - Classic, everyone should see this.
2. Dawn of the Dead - I watch both the 2004 remake and the original 1978. Both were great but I pefer the classic idea of Zombies who are slow and uncoordinated as in the 1978 version.

3. Zombie Campout - Could make it through this one sober.
4. Dead Alive - This movie is deeply disturbing and the writter has some serious issues. It is a very frighting movie but not in a conventional way, but in a "what kind of person thought this up" way . If you've seen it you know what I mean. If not I would avoid this one.
5. Evil Dead, Evil Dead II, and Army of Darkness - Bruce Campbell, what a guy. The dialog in this movie is solid gold. 8. Shaun of the Dead - This is one of those cased where the spoof is better than the rest.
7. 28 Day Later - This movie is English and has Christopher Eccleston (The 9th Doctor Who). It is probably a good movie, but by this time I am suffering from Zombie burn out.

I still have Day of the Dead, Land of the Dead, and Zombieland to go. Wish me luck.

By the way if do find yourself confronted with a Zombie controlled world the best place to go would be a Gun/Pie store. You'll need the Guns for obvious reasons plus you will be able to enjoy some free pie.